Time to go forward. Death stirs up many emotions, more complex than you perhaps expect. It hit me when writing the cards for the flowers, the finality. The fact I was writing words the person would never see; yet she would have loved the sunshine bloom (and I drowned out the disapproval of those that believe sunflowers and brightness are inappropriate for a funeral. They may not be traditional, but they are what she would have liked to have been given when alive). You choose the words with such care, and yet they seem inadequate to describe a whole life and what it leaves behind.
However, there is a positive. There were old hurts, a simmering rage from the past that was confronted head on this week. I had to make a decision as to whether to hold back when he needed me, or to let it go and be there emotionally. I chose the later. It was cathartic. It was the right thing to do.
So I can move forward now. I have my annual pilgrimage to look forward to. Whitby, specifically Whitby Goth Weekend. Home of pirates and steampunks, Victorian goths and partying-like-there’s-no-tomorrow goths. A week of stepping outside of the normality of life; my Halloween has become a day of celebrating both the past and the future, rather than thinking of the dead.
It’s superficial on so many levels, but it’s also so nice to concentrate on something that isn’t sorrow and isn’t work. To plan outfits, to try what works, to lust over boots and dresses that really have little place in my mundane life. I am not a ‘scene’ goth, despite my propensity towards black clothing, statement jewellery, maudlin music and esoteric books. I would love to embrace the inner goth on a full time basis (and my alter-ego diarist who only communicates via fountain pen likes to manifest herself as such when she feels the need to have a conversation with me). I am moving further towards corp-goth but due to the nature of my job it is limited.
I also have a goal, to finish the novel that this blog takes it’s name from. I am at 65,000 words; it needs a further 15 to 25k for first draft completion and is fully plotted. I have just lacked time. I’m giving myself a 5,000 word target for the next month to see where we end up.
Thus I end this blog post. Today’s target is 2.5k words. I best get typing!
The future will be what it will be. I can only be who I am. I think, for now, that’s an alright place to be.